


Life is Never Easy for a Strider

by SamStartsARiot



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ALL OF IT, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chapterfic, Depression, F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Self Harm, in which dave has feelings, strider pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 08:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1682117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamStartsARiot/pseuds/SamStartsARiot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your brothers always told you that life isn't a fairy tale. That's why Bro holds down two jobs while you and Dirk go to school. Somebody has to pay the bills after all. Life is never easy for a Strider, especially not for your older brothers, and you know they have a lot on their plates. This is the first excuse you make not to tell them when things start to get bad again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction may include self harm in some chapters, I'll try to include a trigger warning whenever possible. Obviously self harm is a horrible way to cope and 0/10 do no suggest ever doing it. It doesn't help, it isn't good.
> 
> In any case, the first chapter is safe.

Your name is Dave Strider. You have been a teenager for roughly three and a half years. You spend a lot of time thinking about life.

From the time that you were very young you have had a basic understanding of a nuclear family unit, and also the understanding that your family does not fit into this American ideal in any form or bastardization of the concept. This had never really bothered YOU per se, but plenty of other people seem to take mad offense to it. The first problem seems to be that you don't have parents. Of course, you _technically_ have parents, or at least had them, but they have long since kicked the bucket in what you infer to be a nasty car crash that took place around six years ago. You aren't really sure though because nobody talks about it. The other thing that appears to make people upset is that your two older brothers are gay, and you are at the least not very straight. You live in Texas, and for some this is a problem.

You share the apartment's only room with your slightly older brother Dirk, who is eighteen. Your oldest brother, who you and Dirk only ever call Bro, sleeps on the futon in the living room. He is twenty four. The apartment is small and a little cramped but the three of you try to make the best of it because it is what you have. Bro is not always around because he has to work a lot of the time. The bills wait for no man, he says, and you and Dirk are still in school. You know he's sorry about it though.

Speaking of school, you go back tomorrow. Dirk is a senior and you'll be a junior, the two of you share a group of friends in the way that you share a lot of things, so you end up spending a lot of time with each other there. You and your brother are undeniably cool, and you like to mention it whenever possible, but Dirk tells you once that this could get you beat up if you say it to the wrong person so you try to be more careful. You are neither happy or sad about going back to school, it just is. A lot of things are like this for you lately. Halfway in the back of your mind you wonder if you should be worried about that, but you aren't really, it just is.

And though you try to ignore it whenever possible, you are sad and drained a lot of the time. Ignoring it is all you can do because if you don't ignore it you might have to admit that things are getting bad for you again, and that scares you more than anything else. You remember what that was like before when things got bad, how worried Bro and Dirk were, how much money shrinks cost, the head meds they put you on, (That really you should have still been taking, but that shit is expensive) and you know that you can't do that to them again, so you ignore it. Emotions are not cool, sharing them is even less cool, you keep it to yourself.

You think that Dirk at least might know something is up. The way he looks at you sometimes is almost like he knows, and you know he's not stupid. You also know if you put on a good enough happy face he won't press it. Everyone has rough patches, yours just tend to get a little more rough than other people's. You are very good at at putting on a happy face anyway so you don't think it will be a problem.

Currently you are sitting on your bed messing around with your phone. A certain dweed named Egbert is supposed to be getting back to you on some plans the two of you made to go to the mall and he is taking his sweet damn time messaging you back. Finally you hear a ping from your phone.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering  
turntechGodhead [TG] --  
  
: EB: daaaaaaaave  
: EB: sorry I took so long  
: EB: but I'm here now!!!!!!!!  
: TG: the plans  
: EB: oh yeah! sorry man I can't go today!  
: EB: remember when I broke my glasses?  
: TG: how could i forget  
: TG: the lenses looked like the spiderweb shit your girlfriend likes to draw on everything  
: TG: including my new backpack as of last week  
: TG: not cool by the way  
: EB: okay well my dad decided we needed to get them fixed TODAY.  
: EB: so I can't really go anywhere!  
: TG: nah it's cool man  
: TG: just don't die from lack of magnificent strider ass until tomorrow  
: TG: i know it's hard  
: TG: but you can do it you brave young american  
: TG: perseverance is key or some shit  
: EB: haha dave I'll do my best!  
: EB: okay i have to go, my dad is calling!  
  
\-- ectobiologist [EB] ceased pestering  
turntechGodhead [TG] --

You're a little bit disappointed that the mall trip got cancelled, but John did really need those glasses for tomorrow, that kid is as blind as a.... something really blind. You're too tired to think of a properly long and drawn out analogy right now. Because of this, and the fact that the house is actually kind of quiet for once, you decide to go to bed early. You put your phone on your nightstand, turn on your side, halfheartedly pull a throw over yourself.

Tomorrow you'll see Egbert and everyone else. Now is just a time for sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

You wake up the next morning with a smuppet ass to the face and a smug brother standing behind it.

"Hey kid, Bro is already at work and we have to walk so get your barely pubescent ass out of bed and start getting ready." he says, infuriating smirk already in place even though it's basically the asscrack of dawn. 

You knock away the smuppet and reply "I think I'm pretty damn well out of the range of 'barely pubescent'."

He doesn't answer and you lie in bed an extra five minutes to piss him off.

Eventually though you need to get up. It's the first day of school and your friends will be waiting, so you pull yourself halfheartedly from the bed and wonder how you can still be bleary eyed even though you slept like thirteen hours. Your dresser contains much of the same thing it always has,  plenty of long sleeved shirts and hoodies, most of them sporting some varying shade of red and your signature record design. Just the way you like it. Kanaya occasionally hints that you should change it up a bit, but why fix what isn't broken? Instead of dwelling on preposterous concepts, you grab one of them and a pair of ripped jeans and shuffle toward the bathroom to make yourself presentable for the public eye. It doesn't take long, there isn't really much to do with your hair, and basic hygiene doesn't take a million years. Within 5 minutes you're ready to hit the road.

Dirk however is not. How much could there possibly be to do before school?  He seems to find things to keep him busy because 20 minutes later and perilously close to the time you're supposed to leave, he's still in the bathroom. You briefly consider trying to get his attention by pounding on the door, but you know from experience the only thing that's likely to do is land you on your back with a shitty sword pointed into your chest, which is generally not how you like to start your mornings. Instead you settle for leaning against the wall next to the bathroom and waiting it out.

The clock ticks on, until finally he emerges, hair perfectly styled and clothes just so. You don't actually care that much because you should have started walking five minutes ago. You want to be angry but really you're just tired.

"It's almost like you couldn't figure out how to take any longer in the bathroom."

"I mean, I could go back in there....."

"NO! Let's go."

And off you do go, about halfway to school Rose messages you to ask where you are. 

 

\-- tentaclTherapist [TT] began pestering  
turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: You might want to hurry. I fear John may just burst a blood vessel from excitement if he's made to wait any longer.  
TG: we're on our way  
TG: dirk decided to take his time getting ready  
TG: but we should be there soon  
TT: I'll try to keep our mutual friend at bay until then. However, I am but one woman. I would walk quickly.

\-- tentaclTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  
turntechGodhead [TG] --

Thankfully the school building is within view at this point so Lalonde need not try to singlehandedly contain Egbert's excitement much longer. Which is probably a good thing because that boy is an unstoppable force of bouncing and chatter when he wants to be. Within a few seconds you and Dirk are walking through the doors and toward the cafeteria.

Ah, the scent of dying dreams and the crushing weight of a one size fits all education system. You've almost missed this.

Almost.

Just kidding.

Dirk makes a beeline toward the table and you follow behind at a slower pace. Kanaya is bickering with Vriska over exactly what length constitutes a mini skirt with John's occasional input, Dirk is ogling his boyfriend Jake, Karkat is yelling at some freshman for God knows what reason, and Rose is watching it all with a bemused grin on her face. These are your people and this, you have missed.

The rest of the day passes by in a blur of new names and the yelling of your peers as they reunite after a long summer. You have Karkat and John for most of your classes and Rose and Kanaya for a few. Vriska, Dirk, and Jake are seniors so you haven't got any with them. It might have been fun having Dirk and Jake with you but you're just glad you've escaped Vriska, that girl gives you the major creeps.

By the time the last bell rings you're exhausted from the constant buzz of people that's been around you all day. Since when was school this difficult to sit through? Most of your friends live in nicer parts of town than what your family can afford so it's just you and Dirk on the walk home. The entirety of which passes in silence because you are worn out and Dirk has never been one for conversation. Bro is there when you get home and he quickly informs you that it's a fend for yourself night unless you or Dirk wants to do the cooking. He doesn't and the last time you tried to you nearly burned the apartment down, so that settles that. There are bags under Bro's eyes that you hadn't noticed before and that you don't think should be present in a twenty four year old. You hope that they're just there because he didn't sleep well last night but you know better. It makes you want to say something to him, to thank him for how hard he's been working, but you can't think up the proper words at the moment.

So instead you make yourself a cup o' noodles, not the good kind either, tonight is not that night. You eat them in front of the tv and think about how the shitty texture of the noodles is comforting somehow. After you've eaten you watch tv for a few more hours until it gets close enough to 10pm that's it's acceptable to sleep. Slowly, you rise from the sofa.

"G'night Bro, 'night Dirk." They both raise their hands in a half wave without turning their heads away from the reality tv show they're watching. If you hadn't been turning the corner at the right moment, you might not have noticed them share a look with each other when they think you're out of sight, but you do notice it. 

Whatever, it's a problem for another day.

You have school tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! 
> 
> This is my first fanfiction so any comments with feedback would be much appreciated. I dunno I'll like hug you or some shit. 
> 
> Like srsly. Longer? Shorter? grammar? things to work on? Anything and everything is appreciated. And if I don't update quickly enough I promise you are allowed to yell at me because I promise I am yelling at me too and maybe enough yelling will kick this Texan fanfiction author's ass into gear.
> 
> Love love love you guys!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter contains the aformentioned self harm. Readers beware you're in for a scare. (Or at least to feel a little sorry for Dave if you're anything like me) Naturally, if this is something that could be triggering for you, PLEASE put your safety first.
> 
> Also I'm really sorry that this is shorter than normal. i had a horrible day but I wanted to get an update out. Forgive me dear readers.

When you wake up the next morning it is with the beginnings of a cold. It's not bad enough to keep you out of school, but it leaves you hypersensitive and with little patience. Because of this the next few days pass uncomfortably for you. It feels like there's an itch under your skin that you can't scratch and damn are you snappy. Most of your friends are giving you a wide berth until it passes. Even John, which is how you know you're being a massive dickhead.

and then there's the _other_ issue, one of the ones you'd been trying and succeeding to ignore. A different kind of itch under your skin. Bad habits die hard, you think. You kicked this particular habit nearly a year ago and have managed to stay away from it ever since, but now when you're alone and your arms start to get heavy and restless you're not sure if you'll be able to abstain much longer. Bro and Dirk would be absolutely pissed if they found out that you were keeping this from them, but you don't see any other option. Telling them is sure as hell not an option.

It's starting to get out of hand. The only things that's kept you from doing it again so far is that Dirk shares the room with you and if he sleeps, it's very lightly. Even if you managed to get past him, the bathroom door has a creak that would definitely wake Bro up. If there's anything you want to do less than tell them, it's get caught in the act.

But within a week you cave, finding yourself sitting on the bathroom floor with your sleeves rolled up and surrounded by the broken bits of a cheap disposable shaving razor. It's the last place you ever wanted to be again, but the pressure under your skin is so strong. After a while your shoulders begin to feel like lead bricks and your forearms are screaming at you for relief. Neither Bro nor Dirk are here to stop you, and you simultaneously wish for them to come back and stay away. You try to talk yourself out of it, Bro would be so disappointed, Dirk would want you to talk to him first, either of them could get home at any moment and catch you. This should be enough to stop you. You wonder if anything would really be enough to stop you when you're in this state of mind. Eventually you can't hold yourself back anymore. The first taste of relapse is bitter and stinging and painful. You've also never needed something so much in your entire life. You draw line after line of red into the pale skin and white scar tissue that's there until it finally feels enough. The pit of your stomach feels warm and airy and you wish the rest of you felt that good. Instead you just feel really fucking guilty. 

Bro gets home a few hours later. You can't help but to keep pulling your sleeves down over your hands when he walks into the room. It's a testament to how tired he is that he doesn't notice. He used to be all over bodily cues like that. It's how he found out the first time. A few hours after that, when Dirk isn't home, you decide to ask where he is.

"So where's distri?"

He has his feet on the coffee table and his head leaned against the back of the sofa. He doesn't open his eyes to answer. "With Pyrope and Jake. Bowling or some shit. He told me he's staying at Tula's, but we both know he's spending the night with his boyfriend for the sloppy makeouts. Or whatever else they get up to, nothing would surprise me."

This is enough of an answer for you. It's only about 6pm so staying out with Bro and doing whatever he's doing seems to be the best option.. For a long while you do, and it's mostly just napping with the tv in the background.

The silence is comfortable enough, and he only breaks it once.

"Hey little man, you know I'm here for you right?"

"Of course."

"Just wanted to let you know. I mean it. Dirk too, means it I mean."

"Thanks."

You settle back into the couch, guilt still heavy on your heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave's mood when sick is literally exactly the way I get. It is the worst.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long with this. The school year was drawing to a close and I had to do thing. Here it is though! It's a bit shorter than I'd like but it's what I've got for now. Give me a bit to recharge my batteries from school and they should start to get longer c:

Your Saturday morning starts with a bang, or rather the ping of a certain instant messenger. It's john messaging to tell you that everyone is headed to the theme park on the edge of town, you're invited. Unfortunately you have no idea how you're going to get to said theme park because Dirk doesn't drive and it's one of Bro's few days off. When you let John know this he tells you not to worry and that he'll pick you up. Sometimes you forget that kid is old enough to even have a license. And forget that you are too, you should probably start working on that soon. Once the technical details out of the way, you let yourself be excited. You haven't been to that place in years.

John doesn't live very close to you (None of your friends do really, you don't live in the nicest neighborhood.) but he's there within 20 minutes and talking away at you from the second you get in the car. The great thing about John is that you don't really need to respond to what he's saying. He just has things to say and he needs someone to say them to, no response necessary. It's not like he has a bad voice either, so it's rather nice to listen to. He tells you all about his day, and how on his birthday his dad baked aaaaalll these cakes, and he doesn't even really like cake that much you know? It's rhythmic and animated. You could almost fall asleep....

"Dave."

"DAVE!"

"Hu- uh..... I'm awake, I was awake!" You jerk upright in your seat.

He snorts. "Yeah sure. We're here! DId you bring your bathing suit?"

"Bathing suit?" You reply, confusion colouring your voice. You'd think he'd mention to bring a bathing suit.

"Uh yeah, that's why we went? The new water park is open?"

"OH that. I'm gonna skip out on the water stuff today, not really feeling up to soaking in the sweat and urine saturated water. Everyone and their gay uncle Mike has been in there." You're not that keen on letting everyone see your arms either. You don't swim. Ever.

"Aw well! You're missing out!" 

John doesn't question it too much, he's not the type to do so. That's another great thing about him, you think, he's really good at knowing when to back off. When he sees everyone else at the gate, he practically skips towards it. This is your best friend

The rest of your friends meet you at the entrance, all but you appropriately clad in swimwear. You get a few odd looks but nobody says anything about it, something you are grateful for. You're not really the best at making up excuses. Andbutso, you all enter the park together. Everyone falls into the familiar pattern of walking that generally happens when you are together . Rose and Kanaya up front whispering to each other. Jade and John gesturing excitedly about some new video game coming out soon, Terezi sniffing the air excitedly, nose pointed up toward the sky and walking stick in hand, and you and Karkat silently walking side by side. There's a comfortableness to it. It's the same way you always walk with them. You could almost call them your second family at this point. Hell, once you called John's father Dad by accident. Family. It's a nice day, and you let yourself enjoy it, throwing your head back and feeling the warmth of the early morning sun soak your skin.

Karkat said he didn't want to get his hair wet, so you weren't the only one not going on water slides or into wave pools. You think that's it's probably because he didn't want to leave you by yourself. He talks a big game and acts so angry all time time, but really he's a big marshmallow inside. A marshmallow with a hard candy coating. The two of you pass the time by talking about music and the piercings that you want. Not that he really NEEDS anymore but hey, he can pull them off, so what do you know? 

It hits you that you'd never actually had a real conversation with Karkat. As much as he talks it's normally a lot of words to say something that probably required less. It's a nice change of pace to actually learn something about him. He plays guitar, you find out, and he's working on piano. He wants to get his septum pierced soon to go with his snakebites and eyebrow ring. He has a brother and lives with him and his dad. His mom died when he was born, and his dad is a social worker. He feels everything at a 10 all the time and he lives in the moment. He doesn't tell you that, but you gather it from how he talks. His eyes light up when he talks about something he loves, and they burn when he talks about something that makes him mad. He's small and thin and he uses all of his body to talk. Waving around his skinny, dark arms to animatedly recount when he dropped his guitar on his foot during lessons and cracked the bottom. Scrunching up his brown eyes when he tells you about the time his brother Kankri tried to keep a mouse as a pet and left it in the room after it died. It's a good time.

Eventually everyone comes back from doing whatever the hell they were doing and you go back into the normal part of the park to ride roller coasters and shit for a while. You have a lot of fun, even though it's hot as the devils dick outside and you can't do anything about it. By the end of the evening you're exhausted and so is everyone else, you all decide to head out.

As you're walking towards your respective cars Rose makes a point to poke you in the back of the neck, and when you jump from the pain, tells you to put some aloe on that sunburn when you get home. She pulls out a compact and shows you your heavily reddened face, huh, probably should have worn sunscreen. Not that she's much better off, the red is already starting to show on the shoulders.

John doesn't talk much on the way home either. It's a comfortable satisfied silence. It's a silence that doesn't really need words. You watch the moon move with you out the window of his pickup truck.

When you get home and lay your head on your pillow that night, you smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah happy chapter. I like you. This gave me warm fuzzies to write.


	5. Chapter 5

Something that you learned the first time around is proving itself true again, once you start this bullshit it's hard to stop. Three times in the next week you get home from school and cut for stupid reasons. Stupid goddamn reasons that you're pissed at yourself for, like forgetting your homework or stepping in gum on the way home. Then, because you're so pissed off, you end up doing it more. It's a viscous ugly cycle that you're stuck in. 

You're contemplating this when you walk out of the school building on Friday. Finger clenched tightly your sleeves because shit, it looks like it's going to happen again once you get home. Grinding your teeth together really only does so much to take off the edge....

You hear the sound of fast footsteps running up behind you, and then a voice calling your name.

"DAVE!"

"DAVE WAIT UP!"

You stop and turn on your heel. It's Karkat, and really the raspy voice and volume should have given it away sooner. He's talking to you

"Um... well, do you want to hang out for a while at my house? I mean I don't exactly have anything better to do right now."

You snort. "Nice to know that I'm at least on the list of people to hang out with when there's nobody better."

"Come on you actual assnugget, you know what I mean."

You do know what he means. You also know that Karkat can't say anything nice without following it up with at least a partial insult to save face. It's not like you took it personally anyway, you just like to fuck with him sometimes. You decide to go, If for no other reason than you can't exactly hurt yourself when you're at his house, and you don't want to, not really. If you go home now you'll have to.

"Yeah sure." You say back, with a shrug. You can't exactly let him know how grateful you are.

"Do you need to call your brother or something?"

"Nah, they're both chill about me being out as long as I make my way back home before midnight."

"Okay cool, my truck is over there." He jerks his head over to the student parking lot and towards a beat up black truck off in a corner of the lot by itself.

"Why'd you park so far out?"

"Less likely that people are gonna hit it."

"Good idea, I think that poor sad creature needs all the help it can get. You should talk to Dirk and see about having him fix it. He'll be cheaper than just about anywhere else, and that truck needs it."

"Don't insult my truck, but point taken asshole."

And so you go to his house. The first thing you notice is that it's a hell of a lot nicer than yours. Being a house and all and not a shitty apartment that's not unsurprising. There's a bright red smart car in the driveway and a green jeep as well. Damn, all three of them have cars.

"The jeeps is my dads, the bitchmobile is Kankris, he bought it himself with the money the college pays him to go there. He's really smart. Speaking of which he's probably going to try to talk to you when we go in. You probably won't be able to understand it so just ignore it, we all do most of the time." 

He must have noticed you looking.

The two of you walk inside the house and are immediately greeted by his dad, who is a VERY tall man with the same dark skin and hair as his son, but also an impressive beard to match. Karkat lets him know that you'll be going to his room and hanging out for a while and for the love of God PLEASE do not let Kankri get anywhere near his bedroom lest he be forced to jump out the window to escape and die an unfortunate, tragic, and totally preventable death. His dad just rolls his eyes at the melodrama and lets the two of you go.

You go up with him and play stupid video games for a while, because that's what two dudes like you do when you hang out. Out of nowhere he pauses the game and turns to you.

"Dave, is something going on?"

"What do you mean? Besides me just kicking your ass in that last level."

"You know exactly what I"m talking about."

"No i actually don't?" Except you think you do, and you don't like where this is going.

"You've been really quiet, and you're _never ___quiet. You've been pissy and irritated and snapping at everyone. Sometimes you just stare off into space for ages until someone gets your attention. I'm not the only one who's noticed either. Everyone is worried. Your brother too, Dave. I know I'm an asshat and irritating douchebanana sometimes, but if somethings going on.....you can talk to me. I know how it is, how it can be. I won't judge you."

You can feel tears welling up in the corner of your eyes. This kid. It's hard to remain stony faced so you start counting in your head. You can't let him know, you can't. This shit is _so_ not cool. You can't. 

He's touching your shoulder now. "Dave, if you aren't okay you don't have to act. Everybody and their uncle can see that you aren't. I know that something happened a few years back, not exactly what, but vaguely. Dirk mentioned it once. If things are getting like that again... don't act." He scans your face, which is hopefully as emotionless as you're trying to make it be. Goddammit Dirk, why the actual fuck would he tell anyone about when you got sick. You feel naseous 

"I don't need a fucking Q and A session Vantas. I came over here to chill and play video games and talk about music. Not play therapist and tell you my whole life story. I'm fucking fine." 

You're scratching absentmindedly at your arm. Unluckily for you, he notices. Even more unluckily for you, he notices something else, your sleeve has come up ever so slightly, exposing one of your lower wounds. You watch his eyes shift from concerned to downright terrified. When you follow his eyes down to where he's looking, you're sure your expression matches. You quickly fumble for the sleeve and grip it in the palm of your hand. He grabs your arm, gently but firmly, so you can't pull it back. 

"What is that." He says calmly. Calmer than you expected. 

You are not calm, and you talk as angrily and forcefully as you can without arousing suspicion from anyone else in the house. "Let go Vantas. It's none of your goddamn business. You didn't see anything except a scrape I got from tripping over one of Bro's puppet things." 

"Jesus Christ Dave you don't have to lie, I know what that was. You aren't okay, not if you're doing that. Stop trying to pretend. You really think I'm going to judge you? I'm just worried. Everyone is, and from the looks of it, we have a reason to be." 

"I. Said. It's. _Nothing."_ You're internally freaking out, he's going to think you're a freak, an idiot, an attention seeker. He could tell Dirk, he could tell Bro. Worse, he could be disappointed. This is everything you wanted to avoid in spades. 

"Holy shit, okay if you're not going to tell the truth and actually listen to me maybe this will get you to realise that I'm not going to be pissed off. _That I know what this is like._ " He lets go of you and pulls of his hoodie. Then he sits in front of you and turns is forearms outwards. It takes a minute to register what you're seeing, but when you do, you're in shock. 

His arms are covered in line after line of old scars going in all different direction, Pale pink and white lines tracing through his skin. None of them seem to be recent, but they make you sad, so sad, that he ever went through such pain. You've calmed down and finally turn your eyes up to him."

"See? Now why in the hell would I judge you for this."

"I never said you would judge me." You mumble. "How... how long?"

"No, but you sure as fucking hell were thinking it you absolute idiot. I started doing it when I was like...12, really young. I was depressed. More than that, I felt like I didn't deserve to be depressed. My family life was great. I didn't blame myself for my moms death, no good sob story or anything, I just was, some chemicals in my brain didn't line up right. I did it to cope, probably the same as you, except it didn't really help at all. My dad found out after a year, he got me therapy and medication. I did the therapy twice a week for another year, then once a week for another six months, then I was discharged, but I still take meds. I've been clean more than two years now." He tells you proudly.

"So I'm not going to blame you or be mad at your or anything. Can I-Can I see your arms?"

You relent, pulling up your sleeves up as carefully as you can because your arms are still sore from yesterday. But you turn your head away when he reaches for your hand, this is ugly and embarrassing and raw and horrible. The idea that people actually romanticize this bullshit is absurd. Ever so gently he holds your wrist and looks. He sucks in a shocked breath when he sees the extent of the damage you've done, but for your sake he at least tries to hide it a bit.

"Dave, some of these needed stiches."

"I know, but it's fine."

"How can you call this fine?" He gestures to your arm. His hand is visibly shaking. "Strider... this isn't healthy or okay or fine. You could DIE from this. You could cut too deep one day, you could get an infection. There are a million things that could go wrong here."

You fold and unfold your hands together. "Look, I'm not stupid, I know all that. Things have just been hard lately and I relapsed. I'm gonna get back on track and be fine i promise. I don't need to tell Bro anything, Dirk either."

He looks unwilling to believe you but you make yourself look as confident as you can and eventually he relents. "Fine, but if things get ANY worse, you have to tell them. Or I will."

"Fine. I have to get home now okay?"

He walks you to the door and gives you a tentative hug before you leave. You return it, he's a good guy after all. 

You'll try to get better again, but if it doesn't work out... well, you're still not telling your brothers, Karkat be damned. Treatment costs money and that's something that Karkat's family may not have had to worry about, but yours does, and there's no way you're gonna make them pay for all your mental shit.

You aren't dragging them down with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for a chapter? I was in a shit mood and trying not to relapse myself so I wrote.
> 
> Is the pacing too fast or too slow? Is my wording awkward? I worry that my writing isn't very good...... comments please? And don't just be nice I really need to actually know how I"m doing so I don't totally embarrass myself.
> 
> but btw I'd just like to suggest that you don't do the thing that Karkat did at the end there. It's not an easy conversation to have with someone but god forbid you ever have to have it... you might be tempted to just try to end it as soon as possible but it's really hard to recover on your own. Don't tell their parents for them.... but definitely encourage them to tell a responsible adult who can help them.
> 
> And if you're someone who's struggling like this... well don't think you have to do it alone either. It's so so hard to recover by yourself and you shouldn't have to struggle alone.
> 
> I love all of you who are still reading this even though it's not the best and you could totally devote your time to much worthier things. Thank you.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. Sorry for the delay. I'm actually rather ill at the moment and I did say that I get a lot like Dave when I'm sick. I figured it was probably a bad idea to write when in a pissy mood because then bad things happen to characters and nobody wants that, but as I'm STILL sick and it seems that's going to last for a while, I figured I better just update.
> 
> It's horrendously horrendously short and I apologize, I just can't do better right now. I'm really sorry.

You expect school the next day to be painfully awkward around Karkat, which will be most of the day since you have him for four straight classes in the morning and then one at the end of the day. To top off the fucking Jenga tower of private humiliation that you get to face, he's in your lab group in chemistry. When you get to the school building Dirk must sense that you're anxious (Well your muscles are rather stiff.) because he sets a supportive hand on your shoulder before you go in. He doesn't ask questions. It's getting to be your favourite trait about people, their ability to not ask questions about your mental state.

When you get in there Karkat yells hello to both you and Dirk and continues yelling at John for something or other. About what you have no idea, he doesn't need much reason to scream his lungs out at someone. But hey, at least it isn't you today. John sits there giggling at Karkats long, elaborate, and sometimes unintelligible rant, and Karkat gives said rant. It's pretty funny and it keeps going till the bell rings, giving you all some much needed entertainment.

You, John, and Karkat walk to your first class together and Egbert keeps it from being too awkward, but you can feel the weight of the shared secret and you know he can too. You don't necessarily _avoid_ him throughout the day but you certainty don't talk as much as you normally would. You catch him staring at your arms twice, as though he could see through them. You're glad he can't because you cut yourself again when you got home last night. Great start to this whole "Getting Better" thing. It's frustrating because you want to tell him to lay off whatever he's thinking about you and you can't.

The day runs on, it feels long.

But you aren't glad to go home either.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My physical health has finally started to improve! Yaaay. That means a chapter is LONG overdue. I don't know how much I could apologize for my absence but it prooooobably isn't enough.
> 
> *Edit: I've decided I hate pesterlogs with a fiery burning passion. Nevertheless, the one included within this chapter is fixed.*

It's midnight, Dirk is sleeping, Bro is sleeping, you are struggling again. Your arms are heavy and it feels like you have bugs under your skin. Breathing is a lot harder than it should be, the air is muggy and hot because the window unit isn't doing it's job right. Your chest feels tight. The room feels like it's hit a thousand degrees, your shirt is sticking to your chest, and you have no idea what you're going to do. You push your sweaty hair out of your eyes and quietly as you can, head to the bathroom. It's hard to walk without making any noise, you have your phone in hand but you don't dare use it as a light source lest it wake your light sleeping brothers. Eventually you make it and let out a sigh of relief, that could have ended badly.

How _easy_ would it be to end this now? That's all you can think about. Bro keeps painkillers stashed in the cabinet and it would be easy, so easy to just take them all. Nobody would find you till morning....

No.

You have to stop yourself, this is not what you came in here for.

You look down at your hands, they're shaking.

No. You can't do what you came to do either. You don't trust yourself right now. There's only one thing that you really can do and it depends on him being awake.

You need to message Karkat.

You pick up your phone, being careful not to drop it as you're still shaking, and open pesterchum.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: karkat are you up  
TG: god please be awake  
CG: YEAH I'M AWAKE, WHAT'S GOING ON.  
CG: YOU ALRIGHT?  
TG: no  
TG: please just keep me busy  
TG: dont make me explain whats going on don't make me do anything i don't want to talk about it but i need you to keep me busy its important  
CG: OKAY I'M NOT GOING TO ASK YOU WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT YOU DO NEED TO CALL ME RIGHT NOW.  
TG: what why do i need to call you  
CG: I CAN'T SEE YOU ON PESTERCHUM AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING. IT'S OBVIOUSLY PRETTY DAMN BAD IF YOU'RE MESSAGING ME AT MIDNIGHT SO I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T GOING TO DO SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING STUPID.  
CG: THE BEST WAY FOR THAT TO HAPPEN IS FOR YOU TO CALL ME AND NOT QUESTION MY LOGIC ANYMORE.  
CG: JUST GIVE ME A SECOND  
TG: yeah okay whatever just please hurry

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

So you call him. Your voice shakes as you try to keep yourself from crying because _god_ this sucks, but thankfully he doesn't mention it. He's a good friend, you're pathetic. He talks to you for two hours keeping you calm and helping to ease off some of the urges and anxiety that you're feeling and not once does he try get you to open up or ask questions. Maybe he gets it and that's why. He talks about everything from how stupid looking the sweater Kankri bought for him the other day is to his plans for the english project you guys have coming up. There's always a tone of worry in his voice but he keeps talking. Eventually you think you're okay enough to head back to bed and you tell him that you're heading to sleep. He's quiet for a moment and then all you hear is a soft "Be safe please" before he hangs up.

Just in time because Bro is knocking on the door to the bathroom. You open it quietly careful to keep your head down because you know there are tears on your face.

"What'reyedoingup?" He mumbles out, still half asleep.

"Had to take a piss. I'm heading back to bed now."

"Mmmkk" He slips past you into the bathroom and you head back to bed.

You actually get a few hours of sleep that night. You don't feel okay, but you feel better than you did.

Thank god for a friend like Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's still a bit short but it takes place in the span of two hours and I don't really know how to elongate things. Character flaw of mine.
> 
> Thank you everyone who's commented or left kudos or bookmarked it. It's MUCH appreciated.
> 
> Lots of love y'all.


	8. NOT AN UPDATE

I'm sorry if I'm disappointing anyone with this, but oh well... it can't be avoided

Due to the fact that I'm really struggling at the moment, with my mental health being trash, and working on my last year of high school, this is on hiatus.

I'm really sorry to those who have been reading this whole time, y'all are amazing, and I do intend on finishing this one day, but I can't write about this stuff when I'm living it, it's just too hard. I started this during a time when I was doing very well in my recovery, and now I'm having a lot harder time with things, and it just wouldn't translate into good writing, trust me. I love this story and I know every thing that needs to happen to get to the end of it, but I can't work on getting to that point right now.

Good vibes to everyone and another apology.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys it has certainly been a while. This chapter is not me saying I'm better or that I'm going to update regularly just yet, however it is a chapter that is very good at being a chapter, since it is one. In any case I cling to Dave Strider, and I've missed getting into the head of the Dave Strider of MY imagination, so this is a step back in. It's still kind of short and I apologize for that!
> 
> The song I listened to while writing this chapter is Happy Little Pill covered by Superfruit, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYfBGwdtcTI  
> you don't have to listen while you read (and the song is sadder than the chapter by a lot) but if you were curious! It's a very pretty song

The nights that you call Karkat follow much of the same pattern, the itching of your skin, the disconnect of your head and your body, the realization that if you don't get someone on the phone very quickly things could go south. You often talk for hours while you sit on the bathroom floor with your back to the wall and cling to his voice. You start off only calling him on the hardest nights but it evolves, until soon you two talk almost _every_ night. The lack of sleep kind of wears on both of you, but you need those hours on the phone and he tells you that he never slept much anyway, and even if he did he would still stay up if you needed him to. 

He never mentions those nights or the secrets and pain that you share outside of the calls themselves, and you are grateful for that.

You also notice that he makes an effort to get you out of the house on the weekends, even if it's only to his house instead. Kankri and Mr.Vantas (Whom you all affectionately call CrabDad, whether he's actually your dad or not) know you pretty well at this point. Everything about their family is passionate, CrabDad really cares about the people in his cases and would do anything to help them, Kankri loves to learn and even more so, TALK about what he's learned, Karkat loves music and his friends with all his heart and soul. There's a lot of love in the Vantas house, and it helps you recognize some of the love in your own. 

One of the best saturdays in the following two months that you spend together is when you go out and get piercings with him. He gets his long awaited septum and you decide on spiderbites on the left side of your lip. The septum looks great on him and you think you don't look half bad with your new piercings, even as swollen as your lip was for a while. When you got home that day Dirk raises an eyebrow but then gives a thumbs up and a flashed smile. Bro? a fistbump when he gets home from work that evening.

You are still in so much pain, but there's someone fighting with you whom you don't feel guilty about allowing to share in it because he knows exactly what it's like. You never noticed before that he only wears long sleeves but now that you know the truth it's harder to forget. It's very easy to miss, you understand why nobody notices when you do the same, though you have for years already.

And Karkat isn't the only one who is standing by your side, though he's definitely the most prominent, and he definitely knows the most. On your worst days when the most energy you can muster is staring at the wall blankly, you have friends like Rose who will stand with her hand on your shoulder, grounding you even when she doesn't know whats wrong. You have friends like John who will crack stupid jokes until you can pull even a ghost of a genuine smile to your face. Friends like Jade to make slutty brownies for "everyone" with her amazing baking skills but slips you an extra two under the table. Friends like Kanaya to fuss and mother at you, and to pull your head into her lap when you start nodding off during a movie marathon at Vriska's house. Friends like Terezi to laugh at your stupid decisions when playing videos games and lick your cheek. These people keep you going, they make dealing a little easier.

And so in those months the darkness does not disappear, but it takes a step back, removes it's hands from your neck, and lets you breathe the air once again. 

If only for just a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say that this chapter is dedicated to my amazing friends (who I will never allow to read this anyway) Each of you has done something that one of Dave's friends did for him on his worst days for me on mine, even when I refused to let you know what was going on. I love you more than anything. <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a long time! I apologize, life happens. Things were bad for a while, then better, then bad again, and it's delayed updates quite a bit. So if there's anyone left actually reading this, here's a shortish update and I'm going to try to do so more frequently. Thank you to everyone who has left comments or kudos, it means a lot. <3

It is 12:23pm on a Thursday afternoon. You should be in your math class awaiting the final thirty minutes before the lunch bell rings, instead you are on the floor of a bathroom stall trying not to hyperventilate as you ride out a panic attack. It happens a lot these days, it's like God decided that the crippling depression and self hatred wasn't enough and decided to drop a fat load of fresh anxiety to top it off. Cherry on the motherfucking cheesecake of your recent existence.

You think you've probably been in here for twenty minutes now. There will be no one coming to check on you though, because none of your friends have that class and who the fuck else cares about you? Nobody. The teacher won't notice either, why would you be worth interrupting class for? You are nothing to any of the people at this school. The only person who is going to listen to you struggle to steady your breathing is yourself. It's a good thing, you guess, nobody should have to deal with your shit. You don't even want to deal with your shit, but you're kind of stuck with it.

Apparently someone IS keeping track of you though, because after ten more minutes of relative silence the door to the bathroom creaks open and a the sound of shuffling footsteps makes it's way to the door of the only occupied stall in the bathroom. Yours. It's a kid from your class you don't know very well and you know that by his shoes. You get to know shoes pretty well when you spend your time looking at the ground. You didn't actually manage to lock the door before you collapsed against the far wall and worked to calm your racing heart, so he's able to push it right open and see you in all your fucked up, tear-stained, glory. You watch as his mouth forms a wide "O" and he tells you he'll be right back with a teacher. Fucking great.

In some turn of fortune he does not bring a teacher, but rather the nurse, an older woman who happens to be very nice and, as you soon learn, very good at soothing panic attacks. She walks you through your breathing and keeps a steady grip on your hand. When you feel well enough to leave the bathroom she escorts you to the nurses office where she invites you to lie down while she calls your parents. That almost sends you off in another panic attack since you do NOT want your brothers to worry about you, but nonetheless you tell her you live with your brother and that's who she needs to call instead.

You spend the time waiting for your eldest brother to pick you up anxiously biting at the skin around your nails and hoping he's not disappointed that you couldn't handle it today, hoping that he won't tie this incident in with your recent behaviour and start asking questions. That is pretty much the last thing you need right now. It takes all of 15 minutes for him to get there, but they are agonizing.

The first thing he does when he walks into the room is scope out where you are and what you're doing. You see that in the way his eyes scan the room and the way his posture changes as he takes in what he sees. You have lived with your brother for so long that his behaviour is second nature to you, as you are sure yours is to him. A lot of unspoken communication happens between the three of you and you all know how to read each other well by this point. His poker face is up there with the best of them, but nothing about him _looks_ disappointed in you, but you could be wrong. Why wouldn't he be? You are a fuck up. The nurse asks to speak with him for a second and she walks with him to the office. The door is nearly soundproof so you can't hear a word they're saying, all you can do is pray that it won't lead to your discovery.

Both he and the nurse walk out soon after and she tells you both that you can go and to have a very nice day and to make sure to take care of yourself and sign out at the office before you go. She also gives you a pamphlet on how to deal with anxiety attacks for the road. You quietly thank her for your help and follow your bro out of the room. The walk to the office and then to the car is nearly silent except for the sound of your shoes on tile and gravel, which your brother doesn't even make after years of stealth training. It feels very long without the weight of words to take up time. You wonder if he even knows what to say, you certainly don't. You stare out the window of his truck and wonder what's waiting for you when you get home....


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyy it has been a long time! A lot happened during that time but to cut a long story short it involved me dropping out of school, being a pothead, generally being a mental health wreck, being mauled by the bipolarbear, getting hospitalized, and finally getting on the right track. Which brings me to this moment in time, and an update that's been a long time coming. It's nice to be back, enjoy. :)

By the time the car stops in front the apartment complex you're a nervous wreck. You've stared out the window and avoided looking at your brother the entire way home, but now there's no more road to stare at and you're going to have to face the music eventually. Your heart feels as though it's beating out of your chest and you can't stop shaking as you get out of the car. You're almost sure that your brother knows how much of a fuck up you are, that he's going to be disappointing in you, and you know more than anything that it's all your fault. You can't keep your shit together and now you're bring your family into this, disgusting.

You trail behind bro as he makes his way to your apartment and try struggle to steady your breathing as he unlocks the door, but it's no use, you're too scared. There are about 50 different scenarios you could come up with for what your brother is going to say, and none of them work out well for you. A hospital, the disappointment in your brother's eyes, the truth coming out, him hating you, all of these things could happen, and you are so so afraid. but there's no way to stop any of it now, it's happening, here you are, walking through the door to your apartment, to what feels like your doom.

It only takes you about 11 seconds from the time the door opens to when you're seated next to your brother on the couch, but it might as well be an eternity. You feel as though the world is coming down around you so intensely that it seems almost unfair when you look around and nothing is in ruins. This collapse is not for anyone else to see, it's yours alone. The feeling is so strong you're actually surprised you don't break apart from it.

Even more surprising is the concern, not disappointment, not revulsion at how disgusting you are, in the amber eyes of your older brother when you meet them with your own. Concern is not what you expected, and it's certainly not what you deserve. You look away just as quickly so that he can't read your expression, but he can already see that you're panicking again so he speaks up.

"It's alright little bro, don't freak out, I ain't mad at you or nothing. Shit happens sometimes." You could cry from relief. 

"But I think we gotta talk about it" and it's gone as fast as it came.

"M'fine" You mumble to him, and hope that he'll let it rest there. You should know better, you aren't that lucky.

"Really kid? I don't think so. I ain't that smart, but I'm not stupid and I'm not blind either, and I know my brother like I know the back of my hand. Something is going on and I want you to tell me what it is." His eyes still hold that concern, but his voice is nothing if not stern and you know he means business, but you're hardly going to tell him how badly you've fucked up. You're messed up but that doesn't mean you have to be a burden on anyone else, so you lie.

"Nothing is going on, I'm fine." You say with as much confidence as you can muster at the present moment, which isn't a lot but you hope that it will be enough. With that you stand up and start to walk away, but it's no use with your brother's reflexes. His hand reaches out to catch your hand and pull you back to the couch so fast you barely see it. You want to scream, you want to throw yourself down the stairs of the building so that this will all go away, but only one of those is going to fly right now so you take it and run with it, screaming at him from the top of your lungs.

"I SAID I'M FUCKING FINE. YOU AREN'T MY FUCKING FATHER SO STOP TRYING TO ACT LIKE IT AND JUST LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY." You don't mean it, you love your brother and you've never for a second doubted his wisdom and authority as a guardian, but you're trapped and you have no clue what else to do, so you let the acid fly from your tongue and hate yourself a little bit more for it. You catch a brief glimmer of hurt in his eyes, but it's replaced so quickly by his stony facade that you could almost convince yourself you imagined it, almost. Your outburst is unexpected enough though that he loses grip on your hand and you storm away to your room and lock the door. A few minutes later you hear footsteps coming up to your door, but he doesn't even try to open it, all he does is speak softly from the other side, just loud enough that he knows you'll hear it. "You're right, I'm not dad, but I'm here when you're ready to talk." and then you hear him recede into the living room once more.

He is a better brother than you deserve, and you hate yourself more than you think you have in your entire life. You scratch at the part of your wrist just beneath your skin until you draw blood and then cry into your pillow until no more tears will come and you feel empty and dead inside. Quietly you unlock the bedroom door so Dirk will be able to get in when he gets home, and stare at the ceiling until everything starts to blur together into nothing, nothing, nothing. 

Just like you.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been a very long time! Sorry if I've worried anyone I lost interest in just about everything including writing for a while. Hopefully this chapter makes up for it a little. <3

    You wake up the next morning and your head is pounding, and when you open your eyes you realize you've been crying in your sleep. Even more strangely it's way too bright to be 6:30am and Dirk is nowhere to be seen. Then everything that happened yesterday comes flooding back and you grip the sheets. Shit. The things you said to Bro, who basically gave up his young adulthood to raise you... you can hardly stomach being in your own disgusting skin. They must have talked about god knows what and decided to keep you home. The thought is enough to trigger another panic attack. You feel like you're drowning in your own lungs. The skin of your forearms stings ominously and you know if they decide to check your arms you're fucked, the evidence of your lies are literally written on your skin. Bro will hate you for not telling him and will finally give up on you, and you think this might finally be the end.

   Then the door open. Bro. You can't breathe. He takes one long look at you from beneath his glasses and you prepare yourself for him to tell you how horrible you are for what you said to him, you close your eyes for a beat. In one swoop he's next to you and gathers you in his arms in a way he hasn't for years, close to his chest, and runs his hands through your greasy blonde hair.

_"Breathe"_ he whispers to you. "In, out. In, out. Just a little slower, you've got this brother." So you bury your face in his chest and breathe until it starts to pass. Eventually, though it feels like ages, it does. There's still a gnawing sensation in your stomach but at least it doesn't quite feel like the walls are coming down around you, and your brother is still here for some reason. You look up and meet him sunglasses to sunglasses. "I am so so sorry for what I said to you yesterday, I don't understand why you aren't kicking my ass right now. I shouldn't have, and I shouldn't have said I was fine. I'm so fucking far from fine. I'm so sorry." His expression doesn't change as your words spill over each other, but then he pulls you tighter to him. 

"There's not a thing in this world you could say when I know you're hurting and not in your right mind that would make me go away. Nothing. I just wish you would have told me sooner before things got so bad. Speaking of which, how bad are things exactly? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I think I have to ask to see your arms Dave." He puts a grounding hand on your shoulder but your stomach still rolls. Anything but this.

"Please, I'm not going to get angry. As your guardian though I need to know exactly what's going on." 

You gulp and look at the floor as you roll up your sleep and turn your palm up to him.

He hisses and whips off his sunglasses as he soaks in exactly how long this has been going on and how often.  "Oh Dave." Your eyes water, but you take off your sunglasses and bring your gaze to meet his. Christ, his eyes are watering too, you've never seen him cry, ever, but a tear rolls down his cheek. " Why didn't you tell me? Or Dirk? Some of these are pretty serious dude."

"I should have. I'm so sorry."  You say, trying not to let your voice waver.

He stares at you like he's trying to look at every inch of your soul.

"Don't be Dave, we're gonna get you well again."

and you just sob into his arms.

 


End file.
